Delivering the stories THEY don't want you to read, including:

* People who know how to fucking park on brink of extinction
* Fat kids to be chased to school by dogs
* Vatican to build huge telescope in hunt for Jesus
* Estate agents will starve to death, says upbeat report
* UK threat level raised to 'Underpants'
* Free bank with every new mobile
* Britain strikes gold in sport no one watches
* Ferguson apologises to premenstrual Reading fans
* Beckham unable to pronounce 'Scientology'

Meanwhile Agony Aunt Petula Soul tackles a diverse range of bizarre sexual problems and astrologer Psychic Bob maps your mystic future ('There's always a chance you'll get something you have been wanting for a long time. But
there's a much bigger chance you won't').

Plus: opinion polls, talking dogs and an absolutely gigantic rat.

'Makes the New Testament look like a lot of insane, voodoo rubbish'
- Rt Rev. Tom Logan, St Clive's, Taunton