'Even funnier and more absurd than the others!' Keith Waterhouse What better way of celebrating the season of goodwill than to gather together 4,250 runners dressed as Santa Claus to raise thousands of pounds for charity? But after taking part in the two-and-a-half mile fun run in Newtown, Powys, some of the Father Christmases headed straight for the pub. It all ended up with more than 30 drunken men slugging it out in the main street. Police officers used CS spray and drew their batons to break up the fighting. Five men were arrested and four officers suffered minor injuries. PC Gareth Slaymaker confirmed that many of those involved were still wearing their Santa outfits. Times When an embarrassed guest's mobile phone rang in the Queen's presence she gently advised: 'You had better answer that. It might be somebody important.' Daily Mirror The sounds of laughter echoed across the Henley Rotary Club's lunch when the speaker, retired vet David Williamson, spoke of his early life as 'a vet in a cowshed' and told of the chap who lit a match to check the gas coming out of the rear end of a cow and burnt down the farm. Henley Standard When he was a young priest, Father Colin Myles Wilson, of Runcorn, Cheshire visited an elderly gentleman in hospital and admired an elaborate coat of arms tattooed on the patient's chest. The man then leaped to his feet, dropped his pants to the floor in full view of the ward, and revealed, down the full length of his left leg, a tattoo of King Billy. On the other leg was Queen Mary. The man then brought his legs together - and the royal couple kissed. Daily Telegraph They were tough on crime down at the betting office in Tower Hamlets, East London, when a balaclava clad man burst in screaming: 'I want the money or I will effing shoot you'. The 'gun' the bandit was wielding was inside a bag. But the bag was made from clear plastic and the 'gun' was yellow and sort of bendy. The desperado fled from the shop after staff refused to hand over any money and one of them said, 'I think what this guy has got is actually a banana'. Later a police dog sniffed out the abandoned banana, badly bruised and Southwark Crown Court sent Robert Downey, a previous offender, to jail for six years. Guardian Following newspaper stories about men wearing ladies' tights to keep warm, Stuart Hamilton of Derbyshire wrote to the Daily Telegraph about a hunting gentleman who was asked how long he had been wearing such tights. The reply: 'Ever since my wife found a pair in the back of my car.' Daily Telegraph
